I was going to wait until later in the week to write this down, all that the Lord is teaching me. I can’t stand it any longer I have to express it.
Here I am, it is Monday and I have three twelve hour days at work ahead of me. I have come off a great weekend with writing a blog and having a crazy experience on Church Street and a great time at the Saturday Men’s Breakfast. I always try to listen for Gods voice and for the last how ever many mornings I have been getting up at 8:00a.m (very early for me) to spend with the Lord because I feel like it blesses my day and centers my focus on Christ. I read my Bible and always, just before work I read a few verses to focus on. Constantly I am saying God use me and when I work I act as if I am serving the Lord.
Serving the Lord is no easy task…it means that everything I notice that can be done I do, and to the best of my ability. If I see crumbs on a table I wipe them, if I see chairs not tucked all the way in I tuck them in or if a table needs to be cleared, I strive to be the one to pick up the heavy tray. If someone got to it first I made sure to thank them. If I got in someone’s way, I made sure to apologize or say, “excuse me.” Does this sound okay to you?
Let me put it to the extreme. This attitude progressed so that if I forgot to read my Bible before work I would read it in the bathroom. Let me describe what would happen if I accidentally cut someone off or said something in a tone that “could” be a bad tone.
I reach down to grab four placemats to be set on the tables and turn around and out of the corner of my eye I see a co-worker coming down the hallway with a plate of food. I decide to rush towards the table and move in front of him…which probably didn’t effect him at all. Then I question in my mind, “Wait, did I just cut him off?” “Should I apologize?” “No, it’s fine he doesn’t care at all.” “Lord, what should I do?” “Lord I am sorry for cutting him off.” Then, it’s like I am laying down with a pile of kids on my chest. You know, the feeling when you can’t breath but you are telling yourself it’s Ok. Then I imagine different ways to apologize to the guy and I feel distant from God. I try and praise him for his forgiveness but it doesn’t feel genuine. God I just want to be right with you I scream in my mind. Then the shame and guilt press harder. “The only way I can find freedom from this,” I convince myself, “is to apologize to him.” By now thirty minutes of anxiety have gone by and I can’t seem to find a moment to apologize. Finally, I am clearing a tray and he comes up happily beside me and starts talking about something random. This is it I think. I swallow every ounce of pride inside me and say, “Hey man I am sorry I cut you off back there.”
“What are you talking about?” He says.
“You remember, it was like a while ago, like 30 minutes or an hour.” I can’t even stand to look him in the eyes because I am actually apologizing for this.
“Oh what! Joe if you ever make me mad, you’ll here about it, don’t worry Joe, c’mon.”
Few, relief from the pressure on my chest, a few guys apparently get of the pile. Now I can have fellowship and hear from my God. I can praise him again, thank you Lord! Ten minutes later I see someone helping clear a table of mine…one of the servers. “Shoot,” I think, I should apologize and thank the person for clearing the table for me.
This cycle went on at work all day long. My concern to be right with God drove me the whole way. I guess it began in small stages the week before, but this week my need to have others forgiveness drove me. I kept thinking I desperately needed to apologize for wronging someone. Amidst this trainwreck in my mind I would proclaim, “Show me the sin Lord!” Nothing would ever come to my mind but the pressure on my chest would always build. I proclaim out loud, “Wasn’t Jesus’s sacrifice enough, God’s grace sufficient?” Still the guilt and shame would increase and I could not even forgive myself for accidentally getting in someone’s way. It was aweful.
I remember coming home very frustrated and my mom was sitting in the big blue chair. I explained everything to her. First, she told me what I was describing wasn’t sin at all, it just happens in busy restaurants, it’s natural. I argued with her for a while and finally listened. The, “Jesus’s love covers all,” answer is not what I wanted to hear because I wanted to be right with God. I also didn’t want all of my efforts to get apologies and everything I did to be unnecessary. Where was God in all of this? I depend on him day to day and try to listen for his voice and praise him and pray.
The reason all of this happened is because I was led by the devil to believe a few glaring lies. After talking with my mom I found peace. I can’t do it all, my whole life I have done countless wrongs that I haven’t apologized for. I am still standing strong though, how is this possible?
Oooh, this is good. I can’t wait to throw that shame and crap and poop right back at the devil and proclaim to the world that I am a strong man of God and I know what Jesus, the manliest man of all, did for me and everyone on this earth!
So darkness, take this:
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes…This Good news tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish BY FAITH.”
It is not by works! Nothing I can do makes me right with God! Later it describes about all the detestable things people do with eachother and Paul goes on to say in Chapter 2: “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse!” In chapter 3 Paul references past scriptures saying, “No one is righteous-not even one. No one is truly wise; no one is seeking God.” And it basically says no one is worthy of the Kingdom of God. But all the laws in the Bible have a purpose: Verse 19: “Its purpose is to keep people from having excuses, and to show the entire world is guilty before God. For no on can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are. But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law…We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.”
“Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous…people are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood…and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.”
I ask this question, how much do you believe in Jesus? Do you believe in him enough to be free of guilt and shame and the bondage of the law? Do you believe in him so much that you see freedom in choosing to obey him? Do you love Jesus? He paid the price so that we don’t have to be PERFECT. We don’t need to worry. “Who can add a single second to his life by worrying?” Life for men is about standing up and accepting who we are so we can lead our families and follow our Shepherd and not fall off the path because we are in the Word and know JESUS.
Thank you for reading, amen for God’s teaching…I am blown away by Jesus’s sacrifice and Tuesday night, as I was reading out of Romans…I looked down and there on the floor was a salvation bracelet. I wear it around to remind me that Jesus’s blood is and always will be sufficient.
Amen!
